Confessions of a phat kid

If someone told me a couple of years ago that I would be running 10k races and participating in mud runs with military like obstacles courses, I would call them crazy or drunk or all of the above.

I was always a chubby kid. I thought I was pretty awesome until I moved from an immigrant neighbourhood to a more upscale area in the middle of grade 8.  It was a painful transition and it wasn't long before the mean kids pointed out my faults; big forehead, freckles, glasses, strange hair colour and of course my weight. And here I thought I was pretty awesome, guess I was wrong.

It wasn't long that I immersed myself with magazines and became obsessed with the ways that "pretty" females looked. My Mom put me on diets for as long as I remember, I can recall being 10 or 11 riding a stationary bike in our living room and being so hungry cause all I ate was 2 eggs that day. That was my 'diet'.

Things got worse when I went to high school. I really looked different then everyone else. I was already 5'8 and realistically speaking my 145 lbs weight shouldn't have been something for me to worry about.    But when everyone else is 110 lbs, it seemed to be a big concern for me. This growing lack of self confidence spiralled into smoking, substance abuse and an eating disorder. I hated myself more and more with each passing day and I was never small enough.

In my 20s I ballooned to over 200 lbs. I believe at my heaviest I was around 250.

Then something wonderful happened. I don't actually remember how I got to this point or what triggered it but I started to change my view point in life. I think going to Cuba had something to do with it, seeing people have so little yet appreciate what they do have made me stop and reevaluate everything including my petty complaints.

I started focusing on being grateful what I have and stopped obsessing on what I didn't have (size 6 body, flat stomach). There was so much more to life. I started enjoying my friends, socializing, traveling and doing things that made me happy. 

Eventually this obsessions with losing weight went away. I started to love myself more for who I am as a person. I am strong, funny, adventurous. I kept strengthening my good qualities and not paying attention to the ones I didn't like about myself.

2.5 years ago I decided I wanted to be more active. I was on the ship and I recruited our ship personal trainer to help me. My health wasn't good and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I threw up the first few sessions but I felt so alive that I had to keep going.  4 months later the ship caught on fire and the experience was mentally and physically draining. But something wonderful happened, my body didn't let me down. No aches and no pains and I was able to walk 9 decks of stairs to our command centre without a problem and I was able to lift 40 lbs boxes in our human chain without straining. I realized how much better my life is when I am active.

I came home and I started training regularly with my bestie (wifey Nikki) while another bestie Kathy challenged me to run a 5k with her.  I had 4 weeks to train and I've never ran before. It wasn't easy but I did it. I trained, I Ran and I didn't stop.

3 weeks ago I ran my first 10k. I trained for it in 2 weeks. A week ago I ran a mud race with 25 obstacles. I have another race in 2 weeks.

I can't believe it. My phat kid ass is a runner! And strong enough to do military obstacles! I never thought this was possible. I feel amazing and I feel alive (despite the fact that I am covered in bruises).

Now I can honestly tell you that I don't give a shit about the photos in the magazines. Which one of these malnourished biatches can run 10k without stopping or squat a human being? 

My beauty no longer comes from outside, in burns from the depths of my soul and glows from inside me.  Right now at the age of 35 and 200 lbs., I feel the best I have ever felt inside and out.  I am not size 6 and probably never will be.  I may have spring rolls around my middle or have muscular calves but you know what? I don't care. I love me just how I am and wouldn't change a damn thing. 

I am full of life and I am happy being me. I crush every challenge that comes my way and I enjoy the process,  there is nothing that I can not do. I, Natalia can conquer the world. One crew member asked me why I am glowing and which Doctor did my Botox.  I told her that it's not Botox she sees, it's my positive attitude glowing from the inside.

Point is I am much happier now at 200 lbs (or at least that's what I think I am since I refuse to weigh myself anymore) then I ever was at 145 lbs. I look and feel better since the minute I stopped being this frail, negative and body obsessed shadow. Since I've changed my attitude, one opportunity opens after another. Confidence will get you everywhere you want to go. I may not look like the girl in the magazine but believe me, there's a never ending line of suitors outside my door.

Life is beautiful, being who I am is amazing. I am who I am and I am not changing for anyone. There's no room in my life for negativity.  I am perfect just the way I am.  I Thank Baby Jesus and Buddha every day for the wonderful people and experiences I have been given to make me the tough, smart, strong, determined beautiful woman who I am today.

I am Natalia. I am strong. I am beautiful just the way I am.