December 21st - I met my cousin Zosia's little daughter today, she is adorable. Zosia came to pick up Mom and I to take us to the cemetery where Grandpa was laid to rest. He passed unexpectedly and I
couldn't attend the funeral, I was on the ship at the time. I took emergency leave for two cruises and I flew home to Canada to support my Mom, she wasn't fit to fly yet after her accident. I never got to say bye to him.
, population 700. It was about a half an hour drive from our house. I recognized Grandpa's brother's farm house where Great Grandma lived. I also recognized the small structure on the corner of the village honoring Virgin Mary. Grandpa's grave was beautiful, it was adorned with candles and flowers. We brought a little Christmas arrangement for him and Zosia left him a Christmas Tree light last week. It was hard to hold back the tears and I blamed my sniffles on the colder weather. We said a prayer for him and then went on to light candles on the graves of Great Grandma and our cousin's husband. I've only been to cemeteries in Canada and Puerto Rico but the cemeteries here are full of flowers and candles. Families come regularly and take are of their relatives' resting places with passion. Polish cemeteries are stunningly beautiful.
We continued our walk across the bridge and towards the Cathedral. It was a bit colder today then the other days (5C) and the streets were empty and quiet. As always, I was taken aback by the beauty of the buildings, old architecture always has a deep and profound effect on me. Cobblestone streets line all the streets of the downtown area including our path. There are several majestic statues throughout the area and we were passing one of them on our way to the Cathedral. The street to the Cathedral was lined with trees which were adorned with Christmas lights. The sight was spectacular and it was as if the trees were lighting our way to our destination. I do not believe that the raw beauty of what lay before us could be captures in the photos features. It was stunning.
We took our time strolling on our illuminated path taking pictures until our cold fingers refused to take any further. We arrived at our destination
The Cathedral of St. John the Baptist, the stunning Cathedral that was first built in mid 10th century. The statue of Madonna and Child is erected in front of the Cathedral. With the moon almost being full and illuminating the structures, we were both amazed and overwhelmed at the powerful emotions that the Cathedral evokes.
With all of this history, buildings, statues, deserted cobblestone streets, I felt like I was in a Dan Brown novel in the middle of Italy somewhere.
We spent the next few hours wondering around Rynek / Main square enjoying mulled wine and of course enjoying more of the Christmas magic around us.
We also visited the
Hala Targowa (Market Hall) which was built in 1906. I remember this being the place to get all of your meats, fruits and veggies and goodies from overseas. Neither one of us has been here in 15 years. We strolled through to find stands filled with spices, chocolate and everything else you can imagine. I also spotted some goodies we used to have as kids; Prince Polo and Inka. Prince Polo was the chocolate we all ate as kids but now was available in XXL and Inka was the coffee that we drank as kids. This kinds of makes me think why on earth I was drinking it as a kid but my Mom claims there's actually no caffeine in it, who knows!
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| The famous chocolate bar from my childhood |
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| Stand with German chocolates |
December 22nd - Today I decorated the family tree. I was surprised that we waited so long but I
forgot that Polish people really celebrate the holidays when the holidays are actually here, unlike the North American markets that start to infiltrate all the media in mid November. The tree came out a little minimalist and I would love to throw more on it but Aunty likes it the way it is.
Aunty is sick again, Grandma didn't sleep all night and was being fussy all day. I could see that my Mom was getting stressed out so I took her out to see the Christmas Market at of course my favorite place; the Rynek (main square). We strolled around and had some mulled wine, we circled the stands and sampled some of the food. We snacked on some Oscypek (goat cheese) from the highlands and bought some for later. We also bought some traditional Pierniki (Gingerbread) to take home with us for the family. And eventually we ended up eating Gofry (waffles) for dinner. :)
Just as we were on our way out, I spotted a jewelry stand. I've always loved buying jewelry here as it's all hand made and uniquely designed. I ended up buying two gorgeous rings and earrings for Mom.
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| Where Mom used to party back in the day |
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| We kind of look alike don't you think? |
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| The Opera House |
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| Oscypek, the traditional goat cheese from the mountains |
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| Piernik, traditional Christmas ginger bread |
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| Gofry (waffles) for dinner |
December 23rd - I spent the day running back and forth doing grocery shopping. The lines were super long and my dear family member kept forgetting items. It took me five hours of going back and forth before all items were bought. My cousins Agata and Zosia have a tradition of baking and having a few drinks on the 23rd. I went to Agata's apartment and since I am a culinary disaster, I stayed away from the baking. I used my Christmas Engineering skills and decorated her tree instead. We baked, laughed, chatted, watched movies and laughed until we each ended up falling asleep on the couch. It was a great night of cousinly bonding and love.
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| Christmas Engineering at its bet |
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| My christmas tree napkins |
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| Setting the table |
December 24th - This is the biggest day
Wigilia in Polish culture. People cook and bake days if not a
12 dishes are prepared for the dinner (12 for the numbers of months in the year and the apostles), the dinner begins when the first star appears in the sky. There usually an extra place setting for Jesus or someone who may be alone for Wigilia and may show up unexpectedly. There's also some hay, usually under the table cloth, to represent the hay in Jesus' manger. Usually the eldest or the head of the family leads everyone in prayer. Before you sit down to eat, you go and share a wafer with everyone around the table. You tell the other person what you wish for them in the upcoming year and exchange an embrace. You then sit down to the meal and eat until you can not eat anymore, you should try a bit of every one of the 12 dishes. Normally after the meal the presents would be opened and you sing Christmas carols. You need a full week in advance to prepare for this day. The tradition is that you fast all day and refrain from eating meat.
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| Traditional Barszcz / Borsch |
We decided that this year we would not exchange presents, we only bought presents for the youngest member of our family; 13 month old Marcysia (Marcelina). My Mom and my Aunty did most of the cooking and Agata and Zosia did the baking. As tradition calls, we broke the wafer and shared good wishes with one another. Grandma was the most alert I have seen her in days. A shy smile broke out on her face and her eyes shined of happiness. It has been 28 years since we have all had Wigilia together. I watched as little Marcysia kept extending her hand towards Grandma for more of the Christmas wafer, Grandma was glowing with content, I even saw her move her feet which she hasn't done since I have arrived. Grandma has been so quiet the last few weeks but she spoke up today. She told us how happy she was to see us all together and how wonderful the Christmas dinner turned out. Seeing her so full of life and so happy brought tears to my eyes. This really felt like Christmas. No commercial bull shit, no presents, no politics just family enjoying family.
It was wonderful. I am happy, I am at peace.
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| My favorite Christmas dish |
December 27th - I have spent the last few days stuffing my face with leftovers, spending time with Grandma and with my cousins. It's incredible how 12 years have gone by and we are so much closer now then we have ever been before. Now as adults we have all this experiences we can talk about that we didn't have before, we relate to each other in completely different ways then when we were younger. In them I have found this friendship that we didn't have before. It's like now we choose to be friends not because we are family but because we have found something in each other that we really admire. For this I am truly grateful.
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| The sunset from Marcin's backyard |
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| Marcin and Agnieszka's families |
Today I also saw other cousins that I didn't get a chance to see yet. Agnieszka came to pick me up with her two kids and we drove half an hour out of the city to meet her brother Marcin, his wife and his two kids. They just moved to Poland from Ireland and they moved into their new home just half a year ago. Their house was amazing and modern but far from the city in an area surrounded by the forest. Their back porch leading to their back yard into an open space that displayed the most colourful sunset. Last time I saw Agnieszka and Marcin we were drinking beer and doing shots in the Rynek. No one was married and no one had kids, times have certainly changed. We sat around and drank coffee and ate sweets and talked for hours and hours. Agnes asked me how I feel being in Poland after all of these years. Despite the fact that I came here to say good bye to Grandma, I feel really good here. I always try to find the silver lining in everything and although it's hard to do that in cases when one is terminally ill, I have to say that coming here has done so much for me. I have been able to build strong relationships with my cousins again, I have gotten in touch with my culture and for the first time in my life and I finally feel comfortable in the country that I was born in. I feel like I can understand myself a bit better and understand why I am the way I am. I have a greater sense of my own identity and for the first time in many, many years I can say that I can once again identify as being part Polish. Agnes also asked me if I see myself ever living here again and without thinking I said Yes. You never know what the future may hold and the possibilities are endless.
December 28th - I will be going home soon. Three weeks went by too fast. It seems like I just got used to the time difference. I feel a negative energy in the house. It could be the full moon or it could be that Grandma is getting weaker. I know that in two days I will have to say bye to Grandma and that will be it, forever. I am a strong person, I have to be with all that I have seen and done in my life. But as I write this, I can not control the tears coming down my face and I don't know how I will control my emotions when I say bye to her in a few days. I don't want her to see my like this, I can't let her see me like this.
I need to take another break.
December 28th - I have decided not to go to Las Vegas on the 31st. I am so physically and emotionally spent. I just want to go to a log cabin in the middle of the woods and read books all day and do yoga.
Today I went to say bye to my other Grandma. She was also ill but at the tender age of 92 she managed to kick cancer's ass. She is now 95 and looks like she is 70, I only wish that my other Grandma had the same luck with cancer.
We spent a few hours with Granda and Aunty having coffee and cake. They adorned their table with a few branches of a Christmas Tree and Grandma's beautiful hand made angels. She gave me two to take home to my little niece. We set our good byes and Grandma gave me four hugs, I hope I get to see her again.
From Grandma's and Aunty's we walked to the next locale; another Aunty and Uncle's house. They are actually not our relatives but they are my parents' best friends and their kids and us great up together. As far as I am concerned, they are family and their kids are my cousins. We chatted and drank home made liqueurs for hours. I told them about the Triumph fire and we talked about all the cancer that seems to be plaguing everyone around us these days. Chernobyl came up again. I wonder if the Chernobyl plant meltdown is the reason why so many Poles have cancer right now?
It was nice to catch up with everyone. Tomorrow is my last day and packing will begin. Zosia and Agata will come by and I will have to say the hardest Goodbye I have had to say so far. I need strength.
December 29th - I spent the day packing and doing grocery shopping for Mom and Grandma so they
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| Grzaniec with Agata |
wouldn't have to lug heavy things. My flight was leaving at 6 am so I had to get up at 3am. I ate dinner with the family, packed my bags and went for mulled wine with Agata.
It was time to sleep and help Grandma with her nighttime rituals. The dreaded moment has come, the moment when I have to say Bye to her. I know I am a strong individual and I prayed that I could say strong and tear free just for this moment, I didn't want her to see me cry, I didn't want Mom to see me cry. I helped Grandma in to her bed and held her hand. I looked her in the eyes and whatever words I meant to say came out in an emotional blubber. I kissed her on the forehead like I always did and in her weakened voice she wished me a safe journey. Hot tears were now streaming down my face at an uncontrollable rate. I kissed her forehead five more times and left the room. I went to my room,
sat at my desk, stared at the wall and let out all the tears that were festering in me for so many months. I believe that as soon as I leave, her time will come. She was admitted to the hospital the day I left.
The journey home was a long and tiring one. I had a 6am flight to Munich, a 4.5 hour layover and a 9 hour flight back to Toronto. I was tired and emotionally spent and I had a lot of time to reflect on my trip to Poland.
It was a good trip, bittersweet in many ways. I came to take care of Grandma and say good bye to her but the trip was so much more then that.
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| Polish goodies at the airport |
In my crazy seafaring life, I think I started to forget that I am Polish. There was no one Polish around me, no one spoke the language and over time I felt it was harder and harder to express myself in my own native language. The rare time that we did have Poles onboard, I couldn't identify with them and I would only see myself as a Canadian. Having gone back this time gave me the opportunity to explore my own culture as an adult. I have always loved history but walking around the Rynek and Ostrow Tumski and learning about it's history made me realize what a deep and rich history Poland has. Spending time with my cousins and friends made me realize I am really not that much different from them. Having spent Christmas in Poland was a true cultural experience. Although I was familiar with all the Christmas traditions, they only seemed to take life now. Christmas for the first time since my childhood was magical. There were no presents just family and food, a lot of food! But the ritual of preparing food for Wigilia was a special experience in itself. A good week in advance I was cooking with Mom and then Aunty preparing for the feast of the dinner, then baking with the cousins. The whole cooking and baking
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| In case you need kolbasa on your flight |
ritual was amazing. The house was filled with these incredible Christmas smells every day. There was no commercialization of the holidays, people were not running around all stressed out trying to find the perfect gift, it was all about family. I really felt like I woke up and started to remember what it is like to be Polish. My sense of cultural belonging and identity have once more been awakened. I found new pride in who I am as a Polish-Canadian woman and how I fit into my myriad of cultures. So although us Canadians and Americans may get caught up in our crazy fast paced world, don't forget where you come from. Learn about your roots and get in touch with you culture. It will enrich you in ways you can't imagine.
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| Typical Polish crafts |
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| Typical Polish craft |
Don't take
people for granted. Live your life. Wear your "good" clothes. Go on that vacation you've always wanted. Don't stress over bull shit. Forgive everyone everything. Be grateful for what you have. Surround yourself with people that love you, spend time with them and tell them how important they are to you. Take care of yourself. Make your dreams happen. Don't wait until "maybe one day", do it now because life is short. You never know when the man upstairs will take you or your loved ones away. Live your life, but really live it to the fullest because tomorrow is never guaranteed.
I am really glad I got the time with Grandma that I did. But it was difficult to watch someone that has always been so strong and so capable of doing anything succumb to illness. This is a woman who was orphaned at a young age and raised herself by working on farms for food and shelter. She survived World War II. She was so poor that her and Grandpa made their own wedding rings. Grandma along with Grandpa and their daughters built their home with their own hands. From the rubble of a basement the Germans left behind to the very top of the second floor, the childhood home I lived in. She survived Martial Law and immigrated to Canada so that her kids and grandkids could have a better life. She worked hard in her new country to make a living from scratch. Yes, my Grandma could do anything. She as so strong and my hero. She has led a life many would not be able to cope with. But she did it and didn't even bat an eyelash. My Grandma, my hero.
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| Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Aunty |
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| Grandma on her journey to Canada |
I sat at the airport for a few minutes in silence and reflected. I learned more in the last three weeks then I did all year long. As I gathered my belongings and boarded my first fight, I thought about how important your roots and your family is.
As we enter 2016, I wish for all of us to spend less time on petty material shit and value more our roots, family and friends and the time we spend with them.
I wish you all a healthy, prosperous and happy New Year of 2016.
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| Wroclaw |
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| My brother, cousins and I in our childhood home |
