Stress

You always hear people say and read articles on stress and what it can do to your body. Stress; the silent killer.

Somehow I have always thought that I was immune to this stress everyone kept talking about.  I practiced yoga, lifted weights, ran, meditated, practiced gratitude and used Buddhist philosophy and the law of attraction on a daily basis and everything seemed so positive and good to me.  Stress never affected me and I was always able to see the silver lining and the positive side to everything.

Until this contract.

The year did not start off on a positive note. I joined the ship with a heavy heart and personal and family issues that weighed me down.  And lets face it, I don't have an easy job.  I have 1200 employees from 60 countries and I deal with their problems and conflicts for a living.  Over the next four months things got tougher at work; audits, inspections, pilot projects, special projects, conflicts and more family and personal problems. I noticed that I was getting more tired, too tired to go to the gym or do yoga or anything for that matter.  I started to care less about what I put on my plate and spent more time at work.  I stopped running, I stopped meditating, I stopped reading, I stopped socializing.

I became so tired and anxious at the same time. I kept telling myself I can manage everything I am just temporarily lacking motivation. No big deal, this happens, I fell off the band wagon and I can get back up. Except I wasn't getting back up, I was falling deeper.  My acid reflux got worse, I started drinking coffee again and large amounts of it.  I started to get sad and when the heat would turn up at work, I would just start crying and sometimes even in public. I didn't have time to go for acupuncture weekly and my anxiety and acid reflux got worse. I was always frazzled, unable to relax and I could feel that my resting heart rate increased.  Things got busier at work and I was working insane hours. I got really sick one week and I didn't go to the Doctor because we had an audit and it was my audit and no one else could take my place. I knew if I went to the Doctor I would be put off work and I just couldn't afford that. I was going from sweating profusely to being very cold, I lost my appetite (which never ever happens) and my stomach was messed up, I lost 10 lbs in one week.  Then the insomnia came. I could fall asleep but I couldn't stay asleep. I averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night for the remainder of the contract. Acupuncture usually fixed my sleeping problems but this time it didn't. I tried all my regular tricks. I consumed half a bottle of melatonin over a period of one month. I didn't want to resort to sleeping medication as I can get calls at night from security and I need to be coherent enough to answer the phone. I felt like a zombie. I started drinking 6-8 espressos a day just so I could function. I stopped smiling and I started to hide from people. I had no patience to deal with anything which is not so great when you deal with people and conflict all day. I would hide and eat on my own and as fast as I could so I could avoid people. I stopped going off in port an when I did it would be on my own, then everything would annoy me and I would go hide in my cabin. I noticed my joints were hurting and my hands and feet were swelling, this didn't happen before. Every unorthodox situation had me in tears.

This is not me. This is not the Nat i know, this is not the Nat that people know. I am always the positive force wherever I go and now I am a shadow of who I was. I didn't recognize myself.

I was teaching a class on stress management and it's physical effects. It's funny how good I am at faking that I am cool and collected when I am really a hot mess underneath, I guess 4 years of Drama class paid off.  I realized that his frazzled and anxious Nat is the result of accumulated stress. Stress from work, stress from my personal life and stress that has accumulated over the last year that I didn't properly deal with.  It was manifested itself in this horrible way that it made my physically and emotionally sick. But how is this possible? I never let anything bother me. But I thought I was invincible and stress is for the weak? But I am so strong! I don't understand.

Well I guess I am human after all and I am not always Super Nat. I am strong and I am capable and I am confident (some say cocky) but I can't forget that I am human too. My job is a lonely job. I take in a lot of information I can not share with anyone. I don't have the same support system that I do at home, I can't share my burdens, I can't bare my soul on the ship. It all accumulated and caught up to me.  I forgot about taking care of myself. I got so caught up in taking care of everyone else but little ol' me.

Lesson learned.

I am human. I need to take care of myself first. I need to tell people that I need help when I need it. I am not immune. I don't always need to be Super Nat.

I am at home now. I have been at home for a few days now. My priority right now is me and putting myself together again, from scratch.

It's never to late to have a new beginning. I am back at the gym now.  I start each morning with a quiet reflection period in my backyard and each day I think of something different that I am grateful for and I write about it.  I meditate. I have cleaned up my diet. I surround myself with beautiful people and things that bring me joy. I am reading. I am talking to my friends and family and being open about my emotions. I am beginning to heal myself again.

It's never to late to have a new beginning. I am not broken, I am Natalia and I am human.