Diary of a Seafarer

This blog has always been my outlet. I have always written it for myself and no one else, a type of a journal if you will.

Today I will go deeper then I have before.

I guess as a Seafarer, our lives are so different. Things happen in our personal lives and our ship mates don't know about it.  Family tragedies happen and we are not there to experience the full pain of it. We miss weddings, celebrations, birthdays, births and funerals.  Over the last 10 years I have lost both my grandfathers, since I wasn't home for it and I wasn't able to go through the rituals, I was sort of emotionally secluded from it all. I don't think I ever dealt with it. I have never been to either of their burial sites since they are on Polish soil and I live in Canada.

I came home on December 6th (my birthday) and I learned that my Grandmother is very ill. I came home from the ship to unpack, do laundry, re pack and cancel everything and to get on a plane to Poland.  After 12 years, I return to my birth place. It's such a bitter sweet feeling.  I am glad to see my family again and to walk the streets of my youth but everything is in a different light. This house was built by my Grandfather on his own after World War II. Every inch of this house and this back yard brings back such good, old memories. Everything is so familiar yet seems so much smaller. How did everything happen so fast?

I am the first grandchild on both sides. When I walked into my childhood home, my Grandma burst into tears. She is the strongest woman I have ever met. She survived World War II, was orphaned before she became a teen and learned how to fend for herself before the age I think i learned how to read and write.  She immigrated to a new country in the late 70s so I could live a better life today. She has always been my hero. Today she is suffering and in pain and I have never seen her life this before.

I have never been home to deal with this ever before. And now I feel like I have to deal with it all at once.  I was hoping to write about my last few months onboard and to post happy go lucky photos at the beach, I didn't expect this.

But I will make the most of our time together and give her the best Christmas I can. I will stay positive and find the silver lining. I will find strength in my family and use it to help her. I will make the most of our time here and I promise you that my upcoming posts will be full of love and positivity.